Monday, August 30, 2010

Possibly the BEST Monday EVER

Today was great. Enough said.

Friday

A lot has gone on since my last blog post.

I think the biggest thing that happened was on Friday.

I had KNOWN Friday was going to bite.

Like, I tried to talking to somebody about it to help make it better, or to at least make me feel better. Nothing was accomplished.

Nada.

Zip.

If anything, I felt worse. The guy I had talked to about it kind of dropped the subject like it was some form of deformed kitten with spider eyes.

I cried that night. It was terrible.

I woke up the next morning, still feeling like poo, but still managed to put on a happy face and went to school.

It wasn't too bad at all to begin with.

It was impossible to keep a straight face in Mrs. Monroe's class. Even Dalton couldn't help but laugh. It was great.

We did a lab second block, and it was rather nice. Madison was my partner. Our chemicals did exactly what they were supposed to do. Poor Toby and Jesse had to start over like... 3 times, that I recall... Not to be mean, but I found it funny. They weren't doing anything wrong, but Mrs. Johnson looked like she was about to have a duck. It was great.

Third block was pretty much the same as it has been everyday. Except we had to turn in our outside work. Thankfully, I had all of mine finished. Not well, but it was finished... 450 points for me!

Then it was band. *sigh* I don't understand why I always feel a sudden pressure on my mind and heart when I walk in there. Like, I suddenly feel small. Limited . Tiny. Insignificant. No matter HOW well may day may be going, it's always the same.

We went outside that day. To work on the show before the game that night. I swear, it's all a blur to me. I was angry. I was little. I was a little angry person inside a dumb, fat kid. It was a awful feeling.

Then we went inside for the pep rally. I wanted to cry. How is it the BORING part of the day was the most enjoyable for me, but when I get to the part that is supposed to be the most fun, I wanted to cry?

It was like my soul was slowly being crushed by all the bright, happy, and excited people.

HOW?!

But, it ended eventually. I left before announcements were given and I left the school so quickly, I boarded the bus with my neck strap on.

I felt like an IDIOT. I should have controlled myself in a more... reasonable manner.

While on the bus, the idea of skipping the football game bounced around in my mind. I then asked the consequences of doing so.

I really shouldn't have considered it. I should have just sucked it up, washed my face, and put on a fresh layer of make up.

But I didn't.

I took a shower to calm my nerves and called a friend.

I went outside and sat in the bed of the truck and cried as I listened to what they had to say. I was told things I would never would have guessed to be true, and still believe he made up the whole thing. But I would never tell him that...

Through all this, I was told to do what would make me happy.

I knew staying home would only make me feel guilty and would hurt my grade. I also knew I didn't want to go and suffer those hours of misery and just ruin the excitement of the first game for those around me.

I was planning on staying home, so I was completely unprepared. But when everybody else was getting in the car, I decided last minute that going to the game may be worth going to... It probably was the guilt doing the thinking at the time, but I ran inside and grabbed black socks and my shoes.

I forgot a lot of other things though. (i.e. deodorant, pony tail holder, extra change of clothes...)

But, I guess the important thing was that I went.

When I got to the school, I called the friend I called earlier to keep me company.

I went outside and sat next to the building so I could have service.

Nobody was coming, so I figured I could relax.

Then Ivy showed up and she dragged me to the bathroom where she loaned me some deodorant and talked with me.

It was really very nice what she did. And I'm glad she did it.

After she was all ready, she thought it would be a good idea to run on over to the Sardis Market and pick up some drinks.

I didn't think twice upon saying yes. I wanted out.

So we left.

I'm glad I did. It may be something many of those frown upon, leaving the band room when we really need to be getting ready, but I didn't care.

Strange. I've always cared what people have thought of me, and I still do, but this was different.

We walked all the way down to the gas station and got our drinks.

We semi-ran back to the band room, but we were also late.

Everybody was already sitting down and Mr. Whitmire was already giving a "pep talk".

And the looks were of pure hate. Like we were not welcome there.

Nobody said anything, but I could just hear what they were thinking.

Some of the things I could see them thinking were not something I'm willing to post to my blog.

But like I said. I'm GLAD I did it.

Now that I think about it, it gave me a feeling that band doesn't control my life. I do. They couldn't tell me that I couldn't go for a walk.

Though, I will never forget those looks of hate...

While Mr. Whitmire was talking, Ivy and I got our uniforms on and our instruments together.

I went through a internal panic attack when I couldn't find my flip folder and remembered I fled my house without my liar.

This brought feelings of dread. At this point, I had WISHED I stayed home.

Then I was then told Jacob got it out of my cubby and put his extra liar with it...

It calmed me down enough to where I didn't just leave.

We then went to the stands. I was feeling rather bad because of where the section leader had put me. I was worried I was going to ruin his and the other guy's time.

I tried to stay quiet and unnoticed. Just kind of let the events go to where they normally would if I wasn't there.

But, when we left for half time, things (to me) just got stressful. Daniel was yelling, I didn't at all know what I was doing. I couldn't remember my music NOR my sets. But somehow, I ended up around where I was supposed to be.

Now, I'm going to admit and be completely honest, I did terribly. I played the wrong notes, I was constantly out of step, and for the life of me I couldn't think straight.

But after half time, things calmed down. I got around some people I really enjoy being around and I laughed and had a good time.

We went back in the stands and I felt more involved. It was nice.

After the game, I went to the dance. Only because David had promised he would go with me the next time, and Anna wanted me there.

It was enjoyable.

I got a ride home with Dusty and I went to bed.

And slept.

ALL weekend.

Well deserved.

I guess... That's it?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Oops.

I'm not a fan of this time of year...

Why?

Funny you ask.

It's like starting all over to me when I've worked so hard to get somewhere I want to be.

Just so you can get an idea, think of a toddler, who has just started to walk, trying to make his way to... Let's say a shiny new toy. Then, when he is just about to reach it, a commanding adult lifts him up and puts him in a play pen.

Now this toddler has more obstacles. Since he has grown, he has to learn to climb out of the play pen to reach his new toy. On top of that, he has to pick himself up again before he can even think about getting out of the pen.

Well, right now, I'm that toddler... Even though I haven't even learned to walk yet.

I still need to learn to pick myself up and get to where I need to go. I'm failing miserably.

I've gotten some advice. Some I've found got me thinking and others that just made me feel worse.

I want this year to be the best and yet I can't even say who I am or how to become a "social butterfly".

If you've read my past posts, you may have a vague idea of what is going on in my mind.

It's more than it looks... It's more than what's in black and white.

Now, what happened today really struck some things up.

1.) I don't think I've ever been so nervous about pass offs. I know I knew it, but I couldn't remember if my first note was a fourth line D or if it was a E... But I still "passed it off"... How? I did the worst I've ever played and I still PASSED IT OFF. I should probably be happier than I really am... But I'm not.

2.) On the same note, everybody says I'm a good sax player and a good addition to the band. I think "You're full of it." It really isn't possible. I'm not as good as I should be at this point. I could be doing way better, but yet everybody disagrees. After I screwed over my pass offs, the section leader announced my page was empty. It should have really been three pages of ever note I bashed to the ground with a big boot... Kind of like a spider, if you desire a mental image. Not only do I feel he lied and said I passed, I feel I lied for not speaking up.

And finally 3.) When I got home, I talked to the driver for a few minutes about it. He kept giving me the same advice everybody else has been. Though, what he said got me thinking. "Just talk to people." Well, for ONE that's my problem to begin with. I can't just be like "OK!" and rush over to some random kid and strike a conversation. It's hard to say how far it'd go, but I doubt it'll go past, "I'm good, too."

I keep getting told that I need to be more confident, more "me", more social, and all that fun stuff...

I don't know... I lost the whole just of this blog. Too much going on up in the attic.

One step forward... Two steps back.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Who am I?

Today was fantastic.

I conquered my fear of heels and wore huge heels just for fun... It was nice to see some people eye to eye for once.

I also busted it in first block... The ONE time I wasn't wearing them...

Oops.

As the day progressed, my feet began to hurt more and more.

Eventually, I just kicked them off in band and played in my socks.

Now, let's have a band update.

I'm going to try and keep band updates. It's not for you, as the reader, but I think it's mostly for me. Kind of like a diary, but something public... So I can have some questions answered.

Like today's, for instance.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about the day before. I was still upset about how bleh-ish I acted. I could have definitely handled the situation better, but at the time I didn't know how.

But I cracked open my shell a little bit and had a few discussions with a few people I wouldn't think I'd ever get a connection with.

It went fairly well. I laughed a lot until we had to get serious.

I don't know how people manage to continue talking without getting caught... I guess I'm just paranoid.

But during this time, I got to thinking to what my said friend said...

"You just don't know who you are yet."

Of course, this struck up some dusty thoughts...

I thought I knew who I was?

Then I had a mental debate...

"Who are you really?"

"You're Shelly, silly."

"Yes, but who is that?"

"Who you are."

"BUT WHO AM I?!"

It's a lot harder than it sounds... You know, they say the more you think about something the more insane you become...

It's fact.

How can you tell who you are?

Surely it's more than a identity on your birth certificate...

I'm stumped.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Let's meet the lions.

Today, was meet the lions.

It's basically a social event for the past, present, and future goers of the school meet to play flag football.

I had absolutely NO fun.

Like, I tried to get a friend to lie to the director and say his mother was dying and requested my assistance in getting her to the hospital or something.

I wouldn't have cared.

I was in a terrible place, from a social standpoint.

I'm not saying the people around me were evil, mean, or rude in anyway.

They just have a better life.

For the whole hour or so, I wanted to cry. I fought and fought my tears back.

When I was just reaching the point that I was just going to get up and leave, the director said he would dismiss us.

I was relived.

I couldn't wait to flee from the stands and be with my friends.

But through the whole thing, I was thinking of something I've thought about for a very long time. I mean like, for years.

"How do people really become friends?"

It's not something that clicks with me. I find it just weird to walk up to somebody and say "I want to name my kid Kitty."

If I were in that position, I would have replied "That's good to... know?"

End of conversation.

Does that make you two friends? I, personally, don't think so.

I don't understand how to start a conversation with somebody you don't know.

How do you work off of "Hey."

I mean, really? Come on. I know NOTHING about you. Why are you even talking to me?

I don't mean that in a snobby way. I mean it in a way more of, "How does this work? I'm confused."

Think about it, how did you make your friend?

Maybe it's because you constantly run into them in the hall? Or you see them every day?

But are you really friends? Or merely acquaintances?

How do you develop from acquaintance to friend?

Friends are somebody you can trust. How do you know when you can trust them?

I'm not saying I don't have any friends, I do, but I don't recall how they ever became my friend.

When I think about it, I think of three things.

1. "They had to have approached me first. I would have never had the nerve to walk up to them and be all like "Let's have a conversation."

2. "I think they are trust worthy... But how? How can you tell if you are ready to trust a person or not? Especially one that you knew nothing about a year or so ago."

3. "What is the purpose of friends? If nobody had them and just kept to themselves, imagine how fewer wars there would be? Fewer conflicts?"

It's just the way I am. And it frustrates me that I see all these people that have a huge group of friends, and I have mine. But it doesn't often reach that far. Like, my friends expand with other people. I don't feel comfortable getting out of my zone.

I know I'm rambling and I'm getting off subject, but if you could solve the problem for me or answer some questions, please leave a comment or find a way of contacting. I would love to know.

Anyway, after the game, I went and lingered around with my friends.

I mingled with Jon, David, and Rusty by the dunking booth. Watching Whitmire continuously plummet to a pool of water.

It was quite humorous.

Eventually, Jon left and I convinced David to go to the dance with me.

When we got there, we danced and I had a blast.

But there were some depressing points that have brought up the exact same thoughts as I listed before.

When a slow dance came on, I got a little upset.

How did those people meet? Why do have have this social problem? Is it the reason I can't find a boyfriend?

But I was lonely.

On top of that. My younger brother got a "girlfriend."

It frustrated me.

I guess I lack a social standpoint. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I just need help.

Of coarse, at the end of all this, I told my section leader about how upset I was. He said to take baby steps.

Truth is, I don't know where to begin.

Again, it makes NO SENSE to me...

I guess I'm finished.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wii Fit Plus Update: So it begins...

"Have you seen my shoes?... I kicked them off in a fit of joy."

If you don't already know, we purchased a Wii balance board about 4 days ago.

I love it.

The games are easy, yet they get you moving and you burn twice as many calories laughing at somebody else.

I'm living proof that this thing works.

really.

I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a vague idea of my stats.

When I started I was in the "overweight" zone. I was, of coarse, devastated, because it was just proving what I already knew.

But I've worked with it. I've made a yoga routine I've been doing for the past 3 days and I've done the games.

And cane you believe it, I lost FOUR POUNDS... Four pounds in four days.

I had originally set a relatively unhealthy goal. I was upset at the time and I wanted to lose a lot of weight fast.

Now, I'm not so fat as to I can't get up and little children dangle french fries in my face and watch me squirm in attempt to get it. But I wasn't very active either.

I've wanted to be more active since I turned 15.

That's when it hit me that I was joining a large group of people walking, or eating/sleeping, their way into obesity.

I had vowed that as soon as I can drive alone, I would be at the park running, which is still my goal. But now I have the ability to work up to it.

I can't express how pumped I am. :D

Friday, August 6, 2010

Rodeos can get pretty intense...

It is almost midnight and I just got back from the most exciting rodeo I've ever been to.

It did have it's ups and downs.

Such as:

1.) We were supposed to work concession, so I expected to be missing some pretty exciting stuff. But we didn't. We were off the hook!

2.) I got sick. We were working on note cards a few hours before and we had snacks. It was just meat, cheese, and crackers. But something just didn't agree with me. I eventually was at the point I wish I would through up and just get it out of my system. Eventually Mom went with Sherrie and got some Tums for me and I got to feeling better.

3.) We stuck out like sore thumbs. What with Dusty and his shorts, baby blue Sesame Street shirt. Morgan was a bit more normal. She looked like she just got out of school. Hunter kinda the same way... I was the closest to fitting in... I actually wore my riding boots. :D

4.) Dusty had his camera. But along with this camera came attention. A lot of attention. A few people just seemed to think it was like snow falling from the sky. To say the least, it was weird.

5.) We had some very... interesting discussions. Mostly about cars and point of views. It was nice.

6.) A bull jumped the fence. You'll just have to look at Dusty's videos if you want to see... It was HILARIOUS!

7.) We got ice cream afterward.

8.) I have just been inspired to go barrel racing.

Now that the fun is over, I have to finish my summer reading assignment... Considering it is due Monday morning... Fantastic.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

There may be hope, yet!

I just got out of band camp. It was hot, icky, and confusing.

Considering I've missed four days of seven day camp, Hunter and I have semi-gotten the idea of what's going on.

Though, when we did the parent performance, we were supposed to march to the CD... That could have gone better....

I hear the music from a distance, so I assume I got the echo. Then I hear counting from the other side of the field and those I can see on my side are out of step according to what I hear... Again, it may have just been a echo and I'm an idiot for not thinking of it at the time.

But, when it ended, I was ecstatic. I couldn't stop talking. I floated around the band room and track aimlessly just speaking for the sake of hearing my own voice.

It was defiantly different. I can't recall ever feeling that good after a band practice. I felt accomplished, spazy, jumpy, ready to ride in my soon to be convertible and just get a COFFEE TOFFEE TWISTED FROSTY from Wendy's...

I swear those are like a gift from God.

Anyway, I must admit, I look forward to this year.

I'm glad I finally feel like I can be myself with those around me.

My Music


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones