Oops.

I'm not a fan of this time of year...

Why?

Funny you ask.

It's like starting all over to me when I've worked so hard to get somewhere I want to be.

Just so you can get an idea, think of a toddler, who has just started to walk, trying to make his way to... Let's say a shiny new toy. Then, when he is just about to reach it, a commanding adult lifts him up and puts him in a play pen.

Now this toddler has more obstacles. Since he has grown, he has to learn to climb out of the play pen to reach his new toy. On top of that, he has to pick himself up again before he can even think about getting out of the pen.

Well, right now, I'm that toddler... Even though I haven't even learned to walk yet.

I still need to learn to pick myself up and get to where I need to go. I'm failing miserably.

I've gotten some advice. Some I've found got me thinking and others that just made me feel worse.

I want this year to be the best and yet I can't even say who I am or how to become a "social butterfly".

If you've read my past posts, you may have a vague idea of what is going on in my mind.

It's more than it looks... It's more than what's in black and white.

Now, what happened today really struck some things up.

1.) I don't think I've ever been so nervous about pass offs. I know I knew it, but I couldn't remember if my first note was a fourth line D or if it was a E... But I still "passed it off"... How? I did the worst I've ever played and I still PASSED IT OFF. I should probably be happier than I really am... But I'm not.

2.) On the same note, everybody says I'm a good sax player and a good addition to the band. I think "You're full of it." It really isn't possible. I'm not as good as I should be at this point. I could be doing way better, but yet everybody disagrees. After I screwed over my pass offs, the section leader announced my page was empty. It should have really been three pages of ever note I bashed to the ground with a big boot... Kind of like a spider, if you desire a mental image. Not only do I feel he lied and said I passed, I feel I lied for not speaking up.

And finally 3.) When I got home, I talked to the driver for a few minutes about it. He kept giving me the same advice everybody else has been. Though, what he said got me thinking. "Just talk to people." Well, for ONE that's my problem to begin with. I can't just be like "OK!" and rush over to some random kid and strike a conversation. It's hard to say how far it'd go, but I doubt it'll go past, "I'm good, too."

I keep getting told that I need to be more confident, more "me", more social, and all that fun stuff...

I don't know... I lost the whole just of this blog. Too much going on up in the attic.

One step forward... Two steps back.